Much time has passed since my last post, many different events have transpired, both good and bad.
I have lost nine friends over the years, five to suicide. The frequency has almost been a friend a year. The crappy thing? None of them were taken by combat. It hurts having a void left over, they were all unique in their own way so when you think they can be replaced by someone else, form a new friendship (or strengthen a remaining friendship), they really can't. One was an English teacher and he had his own insights and suggestions. One was a Recon Marine, a large soft-spoken King Leonidas-esque individual who had his own security company (of which I was a part for almost five years). One was a warrior in every sense of the word; a Marine, a Soldier, and a Contractor, who wrote poetry to balance the hard, grittiness of war and struggles with a soft, serene artisanship and a respect for life. One was an entrepreneur who owned a blade shop and maintained a local radio show, which he invited me to be a guest on but I never got the chance due to his stage four cancer. Some of these friends hailed from a different profession, some cut from the same cloth. All lived their own lives and had their own perspectives on existence. In this life, they will never call me or text me again, I won't hear their laughs or have a drink with them, enjoy food with them. I still have the phone numbers of a few of them in my phonebook, and at times I'm scrolling through trying to find a number and I see their names. The void left by them will never be filled, and I can---and have---filled the time of my day or week or month with productive activity and spend time with others I call good friends, my family. I fill my time and see my tribe...but I will never get them back. We will see each other again in the next life, wherever that may be, and until then I will live for them, cherish every moment I am alive, every moment I am breathing. To do otherwise would be a disservice to them and their legacy. Their names, their faces, and their memories live on in me and those they loved, and I will carry them until the day I leave this earth. In addition to losing so many close friends, I have also talked a few off the ledge. They are now living vibrant, full lives and are happy to be where they are. I am glad I was there at their most desperate time to give them another point of view and listen to them vent.
More on the events that have taken place over the years, I moved to Colorado and I am loving this state; the mountains and trails, the people, and the fact that whenever I return to sea level and go for a run or work out, I feel like a superhero given the adaptation to a higher altitude. I was evicted because of a lying manchild roommate's lack of responsibility. I lost a good place because of him and we went separate ways. We owed the apartment management a hefty payment (the rest of rent for the month we missed, late fees, charges, and legal fees), and since I was the only responsible one who showed up to court for our summons, the debt was tacked onto my record. One of my brothers told me that debt I paid off was the fee I paid to never see him again. I can agree to that, it will be no skin off my back if I never run into him.
My mother had cancer, had it taken out, and is not just surviving, but thriving. After all she's been through in life, she deserves a relaxing rest of her years. She has done much to contribute to the community, and help enrich me and my siblings' lives as we grew up.
I went inactive with the Army for two years and I did private security contracting in Europe. I met many great people, traveled a great deal, enjoyed amazing food, learned a little of the local languages wherever I visited, even took a Serbian girlfriend for awhile. This was the experience I've been searching for; new places and languages, different flags, new food, a change of scenery. I had to get outside the states for awhile, clear my head but also discover new things and people, make new memories. I believe everyone, absolutely everyone, needs to travel outside their country before they die. Some aren't even fortunate enough to go outside their home state! And travel as in fly to another region of the world and stay for at least three days. Going on cruises is cool and they come with their own set of memories and fun-filled experiences, but I feel in order to truly experience a new place, you need to step foot outside the touristy areas and check out the eateries and venues that the locals frequent. Granted, not every country has safe areas outside the tourist city centers and you may want to stay there, but the countries that do, you should explore.
After contracting, which I would have done for two or three more years if it wasn't for the chronic, excruciating pain I experienced, I returned stateside and did a little warehouse work then went back to drilling status with the Army Reserve. The pain I was experiencing I felt for over a year; I couldn't sit, couldn't stand up straight, and all I could focus on was getting rid of, or at least alleviating, the pain. I finally received surgery in July 2019 and it was a long, painful recovery until April 2020. I am forever grateful to not be in that same, dark headspace and painful existence. I would meditate often to try and block out the pain, and that worked to an extent, and at times I would need to meditate in order to get my heart rate so low to the point of sleep so I could actually sleep. Eventually there were days I contemplated ending my life. I've been down that dark road before, and although I said I would never go there again...I did. A friend talked me off the ledge, justifying why I shouldn't take my life, and the reasons were increased when I thought of my friends and family and how they would feel after I was gone before my time. It is said warriors need something to fight, or else they'll fight themselves. I would always see the need, the reason, the threat needing to be fought, outside my head, externally. Little before did I realize the greatest enemy to fight can be inside your own head. My enemy was the horrible pain that infected every waking hour, and in turn, it was my thoughts that were fighting to keep the wolves at bay. My inner voice was struggling to keep from drowning, but with that much pain every single day without reprieve, and pain meds that would only last maybe an hour, it was undoubtedly a struggle. That experience has allowed me to empathize with others who go through chronic pain. I have a new perspective on life, not only through the eyes of someone living with constant suffering, but one that has been brought on by gratitude with every passing second that I am alive, healthy, and have freedom of movement. Ever since my suffering has passed and I have conquered that dark era of my life, through not only a strong support system but a resilient mindset, I have enjoyed every bit of my time here on earth---even through the loss of a friend, heartbreak, or another negative external situation. It is important to have an "Attitude of Gratitude."
A couple more high points, I took part in my friend's movie (he's a local filmmaker) and the distributor made a contract with Hulu. It was available to watch on that streaming service for awhile until the contract was, to my guess, not renewed, and then it went to Amazon. On another note, but in relevance to the entertainment industry and acting, a friend and I met the cast of Supernatural during a Supernatural Convention. All of the cast, through all 15 seasons and 15 years of the show, are salt-of-the-earth individuals, all very kind and grateful for their fans, willing to chat for a bit and actually engage in conversation and genuinely care for each and every one of the people who have stuck with them through the years. The Supernatural (SPN) fandom is a family, and I see why; the cast and crew had fun on set filming the show, and every guest who has played a role in an episode has stated everyone (even the big-name show regulars) showed them kindness and welcomed them into the family, To add, even the fandom is always willing to help with something, answer a question, and be there for emotional, moral, even financial support. I know I'm going off on a tangent but since we're discussing the SPN Family, I feel it needs to be said: Misha Collins, one of the main actors of the show, created a nonprofit called Random Acts. Here is their mission:
Random Acts inspires acts of kindness around the world both big and small. We provide a vast network of caring people with the encouragement and support they need to change lives for the better. All of these acts of kindness contribute to a bigger story, a message that Random Acts embodies and promotes — that you too can conquer the world one random act of kindness at a time.
In closing, I have been away, but thankfully I am still alive. New memories have been created, both positive and negative, and much time has passed. Humility is important to inner peace and respect, resilience is key in getting over, under, or through obstacles, and no matter what we go through in life, we should not rush to our death. As it is said, "Life is a journey, not a destination." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
"I am not the same, having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world."
- Mary Anne Radmacher
"Tough times never last, but tough people do."
- Robert H. Schuller
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